Over Ten Thousand Days Around the Sun
I can officially say that I have survived my 27th year on this Earth.
Here are the numbers for a further breakdown:
- 883,699,200 seconds
- 14,728,320 minutes
- 245,472 hours
- 10,228 days
- 336 months
- 28 years
There are certain things I don’t want to share on here for privacy reasons, but there is something I thought about a while ago that I wanted to share. This may come off like some “therapy type shit” so if that sounds like it could be too much for your sensibilities, then feel free to stop reading here (enjoy this other blog post instead!).
The following is a paragraph I wrote around 2 months ago:
I had a thought the other day that intrigued me in a depressing and sadistic way. The thought popped into my head that I was not supposed to make it past 27 years of age. Let me clarify: I do not believe in fate or pre-determination (whatever that is actually called) or destiny. I just woke up with a strong feeling one morning, that right now, if things had gone differently earlier in my life, I would no longer be alive. Whether or not this is true, we will never truly know. According to the multiverse theory (where an infinite number of universes coexist, and where every possible outcome has happened, from the largest events being different, down to the smallest things: like atoms being in a different position. All the different infinite possibilities exist, and every second another infinite universes are created with all new branching timelines… fascinating stuff really) I would be right. But, sticking to just this universe and timeline, I think something shifted in my early twenties that set me off on this trajectory, avoiding my own untimely death on Tuesday, March 11th, 2025. If a different version of events had played out, that may have been my final day. Of course, we will never truly know. I just can’t shake the feeling from that day. Now, I’m not trying to imply that I am suicidal, no need to worry about me at this time. This year holds some of the best moments of my life, the highest I feel I have truly been. But it is also home to some of the lowest of my life, filled with sadness, loss, grief, anxiety, and hopelessness. I will strive to make this next year of my life the best one yet, and to live every day as if it could be my last.
Kinda heavy stuff, I know… I am not typically one to make assessments solely based on a gut feeling or intuition. I try to make assessments based on evidence alone, because I have experienced situations where my body was telling me one thing, when things were actually 100% fine (love you panic attacks in public spaces <3 ). But something about this thought stuck with me. I felt compelled to write it down, and to even revisit it at a later date (which is right now). It seems so significant, but I can’t quite piece together why my brain seems to think so. It’s possible it is because I have been thinking about my own death lately, and just how soon it could really be.
In a way, these lingering thoughts about mortality can be used for good. I recognize and try to admit the fact to myself every day that I will be dead someday. So I need to live like today is my true last day, or risk not completing everything I have wanted to get out of life. And that is a tough task. It can be hard to commit to doing some things if they aren’t as enjoyable, because I don’t want to waste precious time while I’m alive doing stuff that sucks! It’s a delicate balance, and I’m trying my hardest to keep myself from going insane with everything going on in the world. It’s not easy, but I think I am finding more and more of that balance as I go on. And in some ways, I gain a feeling of stability from the fact that I will die. I don’t have an infinite amount of time anymore, it’s draining every second, so I need to spend it doing something I WILL NOT regret. One example of this is spending time with friends and family! It can be difficult to find adequate time with loved ones these days, and with my life being as busy as it has been lately, I don’t think it will become any easier.
But that’s also kind of where the motivation comes from. The motivation to keep going, to push even harder, because some day I won’t be here to do any more pushing! I’m giving it my 100% every single day to try to make the world a better place. Whether that be through me trying to make my friend’s day better, or by doing good work for honest people through my job, or even through creating art. In every single action of my day, I’m trying to make other people’s lives better through my own actions, and I think that’s something we should all strive for. I have to be the change I want to see in the world, and that’s what I’m really trying to do…
That’s all I’m really tryna say!
Alright, I think I’m gonna go play some Bomb Rush Cyberfunk now. Bye bye!